me dim, him bigot

"Are you a Democrat or a Republican?" my sister recently asked, presuming only the two options and proving, yet again, that creepy lurkers in Copenhagen know me better than my own family.

"Neither," I replied. "I think and talk in complete sentences."

"I'm a Democrat and [her husband] is a Republican," she replied, though in my mind I heard "Me dim, him bigot."

I've been giving a lot of thought lately to hope. Specifically to lack of it. Oh sure, the honorable and thoughtful Joe Biden and John McCain are making noises about running in 2008, as if either could wrest the nomination from the goose-stepping nuts who run his party. I'm not optimistic. Further, when I ask myself which party would be easier to save, I just skid more and more into hopelessness. Before either party can be saved, I've decided, it needs to admit to some things. Here're Dr. John's prescriptions:

republicans must admit that
  • Reagan does not belong on Rushmore. Historians rate him a good, flawed president.
  • Clinton is not the antichrist. Historians rate him a good, flawed president.
  • Supply-side fiscal policy is a general economic force, not a comprehensive economic plan.
  • Capitalism is zero-sum. Where you have haves, you have have nots. There are reasons for being poor beyond laziness, you oh-so-skilled trust-funders, you. As a beneficiary of the system, it's your moral responsibility to help those who fall through its cracks.
  • You give a home to the scum of humanity: bigots and gun nuts. Where is your shame?
  • Minorities have very good reasons to distrust you. (See above)
  • Alternative-energy policy is defense policy. Let's stop pumping cash into the hands of zealots who despise us.
  • Investing in education is economic policy. Pell grants paid for my undergraduate tuition, and last year alone I paid 8x more in federal income taxes than four years of grants cost taxpayers (adjusted for inflation). That's a good investment.
  • Tort reform is not the cure-all for health care. Get out of the pockets of money-grubbing pharmaceutical companies.
  • You are whores for corporations, especially greedy drug and oil companies, and everyone despises you for it.
  • Not everyone who disagrees with you is an entitlement-lovin', Christian-hating hippie. Stop demonizing.
  • You betray the word "conservative" every time you run up the deficit or allow natural resources to be irreparably destroyed for a buck. (Or worse, just to spite those who care about it.)
  • Affirmative Action is ugly, but the alternative is uglier. It's the chemo vs. the cancer.
  • The second amendment does not prohibit gun regulation. It demands it. If you want something else in the constitution, add it.
  • Your recent constituency is significantly less educated and better-armed than your opponents.' But hey, you've got the gun-toting illiterate vote all locked up. Congrats.
  • You royally screwed up the pretext for the Iraq war and have set back our foreign policy for a generation.
  • Private Social Security accounts create enormous short-term shortfalls for unproven long-term gains.
  • Increasing production of finite fuels is not a long-term energy plan. It's pretty much the opposite.
  • The ultimate exercise in Big, Intrusive Government: the government executing prisoners.

democrats must admit that

  • Reagan was not the antichrist. He was grandpa, for good and for bad.
  • Clinton's impeachment wasn't "about a blowjob." It was about the chief executive of the United States committing the felony of perjury to save his own skin at a sexual harassment trial. This is a big deal.
  • Al Gore didn't win one single recount. Shut up already.
  • To suggest that Ralph Nader should not have run is to shamefully denigrate democracy itself.
  • Hate-America-firsters do indeed exist, and you give 'em a home.
  • When you subsidize something, you get more of it. Like poverty, for instance. You've created permanent underclasses. Congrats.
  • Carelessly raising taxes on the rich crushes the economy across the board. How many poor employers do you know?
  • Taxing gasoline is the most regressive tax there is. You're strangling the poor you supposedly protect. I swear, you have exactly the same grasp of economics that my dog has of the fake tennis ball throw.
  • The Supreme Court's job is not to spackle holes you dislike in the Constitution. If you want something in there, put it in there.
  • Supporting abortion rights with a mythical constitutional right to privacy is specious reasoning at best. See above.
  • You're historically guilty of oppressing minorities...right up until they get the vote and you start piddling yourselves over them.
  • You hate on the rich and overtly delight in punishing them for their success. Where is your shame?
  • Regulating drug companies is not the cure-all for health care. Get out of the pockets of greedy trial lawyers.
  • When you gush over eco-terrorist electric busses and say things like "For the cost of 9 feet of a Trident submarine, we can cure shingles," you sound unfathomably vapid.
  • When the electorate decides to spend its money on something, say a sports stadium, you should shut up and admire democracy in action—not bitch petulantly that their money should have been spent on what you want it spent on.
  • You are whores for special interests, especially greedy unions and trial lawyers, and everyone detests you for it.
  • Coddling the Hollywood and crystal-clutching sets hurts your credibility and exposes you as airheads.
  • People vote against you for reasons other than they're stupid religious nuts. Get over yourselves.
  • Given a choice, you wouldn't want to get needed health care in a country with socialized medicine.
  • Social Security is in deep, deep trouble, and you're prepared to sacrifice the program just to spite W. Do your jobs.
  • Social Security was not intended to be a primary source of retirement income.
  • Nuclear power ain't that bad.