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January 1, 1800

stupid phone tricks

Originally published August 17, 2003

When removing the battery from my phone this afternoon, I for the first time noticed the sticker "To reduce risk of fire, use only Uniden-brand batteries."

Shortly before that moment, I'd gotten a phone call from the sticker's presumptive audience: a local 80 year old woman. Or rather, my machine did. Because my battery was dead, the machine picked up. I overheard someone try an impossibly long PIN, then the telltale quavering, befuddled voice.

BOOP!

BOOP-BOOP-BOOP!

BOOP-BEEP-BOOP-BOOP-BOOP-BEEP-BLEEP-BOOP!

BLEEP-BIP-DIDDLE-DIDDY-BOOP-BOOP-DITTY-BEEP!

[quite distinct] "No dear, I don't hear a thi—BOOP! BOOP!—doesn't work like Sally said it would. I don't know what I'm doing wrong."

BOOP-BEEP!

[distant] "Maybe it doesn't like you, like [indecipherable]."

[At least four old women giggle. I put them on speaker phone so that I can speak.]

"Ma'am?"

BOOP!

"Hello, ma'am?"

BOOP!

[promising silence]

"I'm afraid you have the wrong numb—BOOP! BOOP!—I said you have the wro—BOOP! BEEP! BEEP!—wrong num—BOOP!—wrong number!!"

"Something about the wrong number."

[distant] "Maybe we dialed the wrong number?"

"That's what it said, the wrong number."

"Yes, ma'am, you have the wrong number!"

[long silence]

[into phone] "I have the wrong number?"

"Yes. This is the wrong number."

[long silence]

BOOP-BOOP!

"Did you skip a fuckin' dose, lady? You have the wrong number!"

[long silence]

[to others] "You would not even believe what this thing just said to me."

posted by john at 12:00 AM  â€¢  permalink