on the upside, it's nice to be thought of as a young'un
Originally published October 5, 2004
The small town I live in is a sleepy little community composed of constipated retirees, the grocery store owners, and me. Let's call the town Metamuville. The Metamuville grocery store—along with June the realtor, Bob the postman, and Bud the mechanic—is the only business in town, and it was recently taken over by a pair of 30-somethings. To their credit, they added such innovations as vegetables and bread my dog would be able to gag down, but like me, they feel a little out of place amidst the grey. They get yelled at for changing their inventory or for moving garlic cloves to the second shelf. They get yelled at for painting the window trim. They get yelled at for daring to buy the place from the 70ish former owner. They walk on eggshells.
Every morning, the Metamuville Koffee Klatch meets, as it always has, in their back room. It is precisely what you think it is. Seniors from far and wide crowd the parking lot in order to congregate and bitch, presumably about the three young'uns in their midst. The Klatch is the local social fabric (along with something called the "Metamuville Huggers," which frightens me too much to inquire about). I've already made a pact with the store owners that, decades hence, should one of us someday spot another sitting down with the klatch, that person will have a clip or three emptied into his skull. "Don't worry about me," I tell them. "By that point, the John you knew is already dead."
Which brings us to the gruesome side of the Klatch. When a member dies, that person's picture is hung on a wall in the grocery store. As if that's not morbid enough, they attempt... comedy, I guess... by affixing a witty personal caption to each photo. Millie is "Knitting God's afghan." Ben is "Bowling strikes on the Lord's lane." Helen is "Redecorating heaven." And so forth. It's macabre. It's tasteless. It's pathetic. It's maudlin. The owners want it off their wall, but they know that doing so would ostracize them from the community. So sadly, it's also permanent.