ideological whacking material

Originally published November 30, 2003

I'm irritated lately by an uptick in people aggressively seeking my validation of their political views. I blame Bush, who is nothing so much as utterly polarizing. But politics aside for a moment, why must I hear my plumber bashing the left? Why must I hear my co-worker bash the right? Why do they feel compelled, or even welcome, to inflict their views on me? When did this become socially acceptable small-talk? More to the point, did I fucking ask? Invariably, the monologue goes something like this:

"John, you have got to read x."1

(Me saying nothing, lest they be encouraged to elaborate)

"You'd really like it. His writing reminds me a lot of you."2

(Me saying nothing, lest I encourage them to continue, but doubtlessly I don a look of pain)

"Say, you're not some sort of hard-core y, are you?"3

I start to explain how my political views defy popular categorization—indeed, how most people strike me as ill-read masturbators and hypocrites—and the speaker, realizing that an ideological hand-job is not forthcoming, loses interest in conversing with me. Every single time.

1 Where x is a book that lavishly validates the point of view the speaker held long before they ever picked up the book. The title is usually guilty of ad homimen, e.g., "The Godmakers," "Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them," "Legacy: Paying the Price for the Clinton Years," "Stupid White Men ...and Other Sorry Excuses for the State of the Nation," "Treason: Liberal Treachery from the Cold War to the War on Terrorism," and so on.

2 This chilling assertion is never, ever followed with any semblance of evidence.

3 Where y is a demeaning, one-dimensional caricature of their ideological opposite.

Do you read any of the above publications, listen to talk radio, think Fox News or the New Yorker is an unbiased news source, or actually raise your hand in church in order to get better reception? Do you think that Sadaam Hussein was somehow behind 9/11; think that any president much affects the economic cycle; deny that both Bush and Gore disgraced themselves in 2000, or think that that election was "stolen"; question the patriotism of anyone concerned about Bush's post-9/11 assertions at home and abroad; or any other such partisan fantasy? If you answer "yes" to any of these questions, do feel free to lose interest in conversing with me sooner rather than later.