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June 1, 2012
would you like a tissue, deputy aman?
I got a speeding ticket yesterday. I'm not complaining. I was speeding. If I cared, I would drive slower. Or at least offer an excuse to the cop. I do not. Here's my registration and license, officer. Thank you and have a nice day.
I look at the me/traffic-cop relationship as one between collegial professionals. We are Sam the Sheepdog and Wile E. Coyote, cheerfully saying good morning as we punch the clock. It is my role in the ecosystem to speed, and it is his role to cite me. It's nothing personal. There's no reason not to be polite.
Every once in a while, though, you get a masturbator with a badge.
In yesterday's spritzing, he was positioned at the bottom of a steep rural hill. Cops don't position themselves at the bottom of steep rural hills to issue warnings—no more than they position themselves there to discourage rapes or carseat violations or DUIs. It never occurred to me that I wasn't getting a ticket. I didn't even brake once I knew he was coming after me. What's the point?
"Hello," I said, handing him my proof of insurance.
"You were going 48 in a 30 back on that hill," he said.
Sounded about right. "Okay," I nodded.
There was a long pause. I sat in silence. It grew awkward. Was he waiting for me to beg for leniency? If so, I did not satisfy. I was already mentally business-expensing the ticket.
"Is there any particular reason you were driving so fast?" he finally said.
Um. He'd just said it himself. "Well yeah, the hill," I shrugged, catching a whiff of unfurling phallus porcus.
With the comically rising, staccato inflection of baby talk, he actually said the following: "And what are we supposed to do to slow down when we're go-wing down a hill?"
To summarize: first he positions himself at the bottom of a hill; then he forces me to utter the word "hill;" and now he's trying to give me a facial about it.
"You're going to condescend to me?!" I snarled. "Just give me my ticket. Jesus Christ."
And so he gave me my ticket and, for a fleeting moment, acted like a fucking professional. Pity it's not his default state.
posted by john at 8:37 AM • permalink