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March 29, 2012
batshit begins
A while back, I was pursuing Laura, an admin assistant at Microsoft. I was not alone. From the first lunch, she made it clear there was another guy. "But it's not like we're getting married or anything," she said, supposing incorrectly that that would be the slightest impediment to me.
Laura was interesting and attractive, and remarkably, she found me interesting and attractive, so I was smitten. When she asked if our building's admins could use my house to assemble lobby decorations for Halloween, I said yes. Soon my house was filled with hot, drunk young women, and I was congratulating myself over my best decision ever.
One of the hot young women was Kristi, Laura's assistant. "Thank you Jeebus!" I thought as I surveyed my living room. But I was focused on Laura. Between decoration parties, we continued to go out. One Saturday, we were going to build decorations by day and go to the ballet that night.
We sat at my table for lunch, and I served them whatever it was I'd prepared. Laura sat up, clapped her hands excitedly, and chirped, "Okay, everyone! I have an announcement!" She held her left hand out for inspection. "I'm engaged!"
Well. This was a new one.
As stunned by the means as I was by the message, I listed my way through lunch. Sensing something was bothering me, Laura came up to me afterward. "So are we still on for tonight?"
"No, we are not still on for tonight."
"But why?"
I stared at her impassively. She finally went away. I was disappointed, yes, and offended. But I was also at the height of my powers, and I determined that I would salvage the day yet. I would go out with Kristi, the hot assistant.
Kristi was smoking on my back deck. I cut a cigar and joined her for what became several hours of conversation. She was and remains the sexiest, most charming girl I've ever known. Emphasis, sadly, on "girl."
I asked her if she wanted to go grab drinks. This flustered her. I could feel the rejection coming.
"Oh. Um. I mean. Sure, I'd like to. But you know I'm 20, right?"
No. No, 30 year-old me did not know this. Nor suspect it.
This was officially an unrecoverable position, a datus terribilis. I called Dorkass and told her I was coming over. When I arrived, bless 'er, she had shots lined up on her counter.
Reportedly, I was soon lying on her couch and declaring "You're all one bitch. One bitch with many faces."
Next installment: things get insane. And aggressively naked.
posted by john at 10:12 AM • permalink