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August 26, 2008

the sarah users' guide

The first time I ever noticed Poor Sarah lying to me, my dog had just died. Sarah was planning a weekend roadtrip with an acquaintance, and for the first and last time in our relationship, I asked for something for myself: please stay here. I didn't want to be alone all weekend in my Edless house. Sarah argued with me about the dubious merits of the acquaintance and the trip, and I became concerned that I rated so lowly the one time I needed her. After a good 45 minutes of this, she bitterly blurted out "Well, just so you know, I already canceled the trip for you."

Even though I'd gotten my way, this revelation wasn't particularly welcome. It was an obvious falsehood, a way of winning the argument by any means necessary. It was seminal for me. It was the first time I'd ever known Sarah was lying to me. It sadly wouldn't be the last. In the months that followed, I developed an elaborate taxonomy of Sarah's lies. So here they are, in chronological order:

Faux a machina
The above. Introducing fabricated evidence just to win the argument.

Strategic omission
Telling the truth with certain elements conspicuously omitted. Like gender pronouns.

Example: "So I went to this physical therapist friend of Dawn's. The physical therapist made my back feel a bit better."

Red herring
Responding to suspicion by offering a sizzling distraction.

Example: When I later hear about her going out with Dawn and Dawn's friend Rich, I say "Jesus Christ, your friends are already introducing you to guys?"

"No, no. In fact...I think Dawn and Rich might be fucking! And she's married!"

Containment
Telling everyone a different, tightly controlled version of events.

Example: Everyone in her life thought my role was different. Dawn, for example.

Definition
Discrediting detractors

Example: after a previous affair dared to send her a Happy Birthday email, he was denounced as "crazy," "psycho," and "scary."

Overexplanation
Offering details not asked about and not natural to the conversation, as a means of dispensing disinformation

Example: "So the other day, Rich, who I consider a new friend, said..."

Censorship
An abrupt loss of access to information

Example: Sarah made her myspace private and ignored my repeated requests that she add me as a "friend." Suspicious, I waited until she was at my house, put my laptop on her lap, and said "Please add me."

Offense
Acting outraged when you're cornered.

Example: Sarah flew into a rage, shoving the laptop away. I pointed out that we had a trust issue abrewing. She was offended by that, too.

Ad hominem
Deflection via personal attack

Example: "Frankly, it's a little creepy that someone your age wants to see people's myspaces."

Self-beatification
Claiming unwarranted character

Example: "Right, because I lie all the time!"

Sanitization
Trying to win the argument by altering the evidence

Example: She went home and later called me, saying that she'd added me. A few days later on her myspace, Rich posted that he loves her.

Victimization
Making my suspicion and not her lying the offense.

Example: "It really hurts me that you think I'm lying."

Glittering generality
Not having an argument, resorting to meaningless cliche

Example: she's dumping me. We both know why, but she's of course unable to say it. "It is what it is," she repeatedly says.

Stonewalling
Rather than give this post more entries, the liar refuses to say anything

Example: three hours of silence during my breakup call

Unoffense
The liar isn't offended by what an innocent would be offended by

Example: "Is this about Rich?" I asked.

"No," she replied, with a curious lack of offense at the charge.

Ennoblement
Spinning a lie into something noble

Example: "What's next for you?" I asked.

"I'm going to be alone for four years!" Sarah eagerly injected.

Elimination
Banishing witnesses

Example: The moment I asked about Rich, she went from "Can we please please please still be friends?" to "I never thought I'd say this, but I can't have you in my life."

Delegation
Having friends reinforce your lies

Example: When I told her friend about my Rich suspicions, well into Sarah's overt relationship with Rich, the friend replied "Oh, I don't agree. In fact, I think he and Dawn are doing it!"

Revision
Well after the fact, flipping the blame script

Example: Two months into her relationship with Rich, Sarah showed up and informed me that she'd dumped me because she was ashamed of me.

A lot of that going around.

posted by john at 08:55 AM  •  solamente