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September 19, 2006

welcome, guang!

There are three things I've historically loved about working at Microsoft.

1. They provide you with all the pop you can drink.
2. They routinely get the criminally incompetent out of the files by promoting it to management. (Bad for customers. Great for the right kind of worker.)
3. When somebody leaves for vacation, it's common to sabotage their office as a prank.

In my time, I've hit and been hit. The worst I've gotten was when my old test team came by and wrapped every last item in my office in newspaper—desks, chairs, books, pens, knick-knacks. I was woozy from the ink fumes. Of particular genius was wrapping my phone, handset, and the cord that connects the two all independently, which I discovered when my phone rang. The worst prank I ever perpetrated myself was on my friend and boss, who foolishly gave me the key to her house. She returned from Costa Rica to find her living room redecorated with her office furniture, right down to loose CDs and halogen lamps. Guess where her living room furniture was.

My favorite prank, however, was on Dorkass. When she was away, I made her office into a double. I put a second nameplate on her door. "Guang" wasn't even a member of her own team; he was something imposed upon her by moronic management. (Instant credibility. See #2.) I put a picture of his wife and kids on his desk, along with a pack of smokes. Guang was a complete pig. He'd left crumbs all over the place. He'd also moved Dorkass' phone and a few of her music CDs to his own desk. I turned on his lights and left his glasses on the desk. A development manager and Dorkass' own boss sent Dorkass mail explaining how she would be working closely with Guang, so they thought they should work closely.

"WHAT. THE. FUCK."

It didn't take long for Dorkass to blow. Every sentence had a quivering rage and the f-word in some form or another.

"They can't f-f-f-fucking do this to me. Unbefuckinglievable. There are more junior people than me on the team. And look! He's a fucking smoker! Just look at these fucking muffin crumbs all over the floor! This is so fucking unfair! And stupid! There's no good reason for this! I'm senior! They can't just do this and expect me to accept it! I'm not letting them get away with this! GODDAMIT, IS THAT MY MOTHERFUCKING EARTH WIND AND FIRE CD ON HIS DESK?"

I let her storm for hours. She was fuming, spewing profanity and rage at anyone who would listen. "Anyone" did not, as it turned out, include anyone above her. She replied-all to the managers' email.

"Welcome, Guang!" she chirped. "Great! I look forward to working with you!"

There could not possibly have been any more disconnect between this obedient lapdog and the morally outraged malcontent shrieking profanely about seniority and cigarette butts. Not unless she bought Guang a welcome muffin. It was desk-poundingly funny. I printed up this monument to sycophancy and posted it on her office door. She figured out the joke eventually, I think.

Epilogue
Dorkass has since been promoted to management.

posted by john at 7:06 AM  â€¢  permalink