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June 21, 2006
worst jobs of sports acting
If I were to make this an award, I'd name it after Susan Sarandon in Bull Durham. (An aside: I loathe this actress. Why she bewitches so many men confounds me; I find her utterly revolting. I always have.) In Bull Durham, she plays baseball groupie/guru Annie and supposedly coaches Kevin Costner on his swing. There was a bump on the road to .400, however, as Susan Sarandon in a batting cage is as fluid and graceful as a little old lady swatting at drunken hornets with a 30-foot broomstick. Or Susan Sarandon reading poetry. Whichever. It was utterly preposterous and made me roar in the theatre.
Robert Redford, The Natural. God, I love baseball! Sorry. This isn't about cringe-inducing dialogue; it's about cringe-inducing sports acting. Did creaky 48 year old Redford pull off playing athlete Roy Hobbs at 19 and 35? Let's just say he grounded into a double play.
Jennifer Aniston, in the football episode of Friends. I've long thought Aniston to be America's greatest living actress. After all, this woman woke up next to Brad Pitt every morning and then went to work and convincingly pretended to be attracted to David Schwimmer. No small feat. Alas, her runs and "catches" here betray someone who has never, ever been outside in her life. If there were a rule that you must catch passes with your eyes closed and use your elbows, not your hands, the game would look something like this. I wonder how many takes it took.
Kiera Knightly, Bend It Like Beckham, and Janet Jones, American Anthem. The exact same performance. Pay attention to how long we're permitted to watch their ball-handling/gymnastics skills in a sustained shot. The record is .72 seconds straight, I think.
Mr. T., Rocky III For me, half the fun of watching this film is seeing Mr. T's head snap back four times when Rocky throws two jabs. Pathetic.
Vlade Divac, center, Los Angeles Lakers Worst. Sports Actor. Ever. His theatrics would make soccer players blush.
posted by john at 8:40 AM • permalink