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December 11, 2006
green death
Speaking of Green Death, the recipe for this magic potion couldn't be simpler:
- Put a bag of apple Jolly Rancher hard candies in a bottle of Absolute.
- Wait two days for the candies to dissolve.
- Serve over ice and wait 45 minutes for the clothes to fly off.
When I still kept a bottle at the ready, there was a streak of six or so servings where nudity was absolutely guaranteed. Although this effect was unanticipated, it was fantastically fun for a while. (Pausing to remember a few life highlights. Mmmmmm. Okay, on with the story. No, wait. Mmmmmmmmmmmmm. Sigh. Okay.) But then Susan stood atop my coffee table and performed a carnal striptease, complete with throwing me her thong, in front of all her co-workers—and, significantly, her five year old son. Such developments do make one take stock of oneself.
Shortly afterwards, I went camping with some friends at the beach. I'd made the back of the Jeep a full bar for the occasion, and I was a far more popular figure than usual. Coincidentally, Dorkass and her new boyfriend, Frank Frank, were at the coast that day too, and I told them to stop by. When they arrived at 9am, I was mixing John's Breakfast Margaritas (tequila, lime, triple sec, salt, and a single corn flake). "I'll take two!" Dorkass yelled before she'd even stopped her car.
And thus did I meet Frank Frank. He's not really a drinker, he said, but he was game. "Well then," I said, pulling out a bottle that for some reason was inside someone's sock. "Do I ever have the thing for you!" Dorkass nodded eagerly as I poured Green Death into a tin coffee cup. Frank sniffed it. Pleased, he swallowed it. I gave him some more.
15 minutes later, my friend Heather came back to camp with an armload of firewood. She looked at Frank Frank's expression.
"Oh god. He gave you the green shit, didn't he? Hon, just stick your finger down y—"
"SHHHH!" everyone hissed in unison.
Alas, the Green Death disappointed that day, as only his shirt flew off. In 50 degree weather. And thus did I retire the drink. My self-respect was already teetering from the five-year-old-child incident. I'm afraid seeing Frank Frank's nipple hair finished it off for good.
posted by john at 10:02 AM • permalink